69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
