Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
