that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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