My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
