As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
