dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
