i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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