I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
