No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
