Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My balls are so social today.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
