please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
