Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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