I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
