WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
