Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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