I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Drunk is not a location!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
