Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
