I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I intend to get homeless drunk
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
