i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
