she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
