every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
