I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
