well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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