Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
