I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
