people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
