he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have aggressive nipples.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
