I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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