I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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