the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
