just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
