How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
