Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
