Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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