Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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