you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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