there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
