Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
