Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
