There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
