Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
