My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
