I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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