Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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