so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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