i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
