Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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