Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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