I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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