You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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