i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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